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My journey as an actor has turned out to be the exact opposite of what I expected. As a dancer, I knew exactly how to book the job, how to promote myself, how to network, what  steps to take to make it to that next level.

I knew exactly how to perform, how to present, how  to “be”.

I’m learning that my work as an actor is to undo ALL of that. Everything that I have known and  how I’ve been taught to exist in the world is a barrier to my art.

How can that be? Why isn’t  there a formula to follow?

Why can’t I look this way, behave that way, take these predetermined and fool-proof steps, and have a flourishing career? 

It’s maddening. Why can’t I stay “perfect”?

Why do I have to unravel this veneer I’ve so masterfully created to help me succeed and survive in this world? 
My last couple of years have been about learning how to be with the mess.

How to sit with it. How to appreciate it. And most importantly, to love it.  

Nobody wants to watch a perfect robot. But hold on – what is perfection anyway? 

Is it a way to try and keep ourselves safe, to ensure that we won’t be rejected, make sure we  will be good enough to be loved, that we will always be chosen? It’s an impossible thing to strive for, to appease everyone. And it most certainly kills the  creative spirit, and the individual magic that exists within each of us. 

Your mess is interesting. Complex. Curious. Inspiring. Enlivening.

Enlightening. Big. Loud. Carefree. Dark. Heavy. Full.

And most importantly – human. 

That’s what I’m learning through my journey as an actor. How to embrace my humanness. 

Every ounce of it.

The ever changing nature of it all. It hurts a lot. And now, more often than  not, that hurt doesn’t feel as devastating.

And on the other side of allowing myself to feel that  hurt, there is so much more capacity for beauty and joy. 

I think that’s one of the beautiful things about creative expression.

When it comes from a place  deep inside your gut, someone out there will be greatly affected by it. It will move them in a way they may not be able to explain or understand, but a certain “knowing” will overcome  them.  Our ability to be our full, messy, complex selves gives others permission to do the same. 

I’m claiming all of who I am.

I’m no longer interested in showing up as the fraction of myself  that I think is acceptable.   Will you join me?

Feel human with Bree @breewas

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