Amy Ma

August 13, 2024

What Changed Me?

I was disowned when I was 21, during my third year of undergraduate studies. It happened over the span of a five minute phone call with my father, and I distinctly remember crumbling onto the sidewalk in a massive panic attack once he hung up. I remember how eerily calm his voice was when he informed me that I was on my own now.

In the months that followed, I took time off from school, worked as much as I was able to while balancing my deteriorating mental health, and received financial help from family members that didn’t take part in the disownment. Throwing myself into work felt simple enough, I didn’t have the time or the capacity to address my grief. The times I spent alone were the most challenging, however.

I struggled for a long time to understand that this action was a reflection of my father, and not a reflection of my worth.

Looking back on it, this was the moment my entire worldview shifted. I searched within myself for answers: what did I do wrong, could I have been a better daughter, is this really what I deserve?

I was never satisfied with the answers I came up with, and eventually realized that dwelling on these types of questions would not help me move forward. I made the decision to work on completely accepting the situation, and put all of my energy into healing.

I remember reading somewhere that “there’s no word for people who once claimed you as their own and now think of you as a stranger.” I thought about this for a long time, and was angered by how seemingly simple it was for my father to disown me.

This single event has led me to understand that no amount of people pleasing or effort will allow someone to accept you, regardless of the nature of your relationship with them. I became someone else for the sake of maintaining a relationship with my family, yet they were still unsatisfied, and I lost my self-worth and sense of self in the process.

The best you can do for yourself is to embrace

your authenticity, and accept exactly who you are.

With time, I’ve found that there are people out there who will never demand more out of me than what I have to offer. I’ve found acceptance from what we all know as “chosen family,” and have finally released the burden of changing myself to fit someone else’s needs. It truly is a liberating feeling, and despite how it happened, I’m grateful to have found this sense of peace.

Why did I get disowned, by the way?

I simply said “no” to my father for the first time in my life, and he interpreted my boundaries as a personal attack that he couldn’t process. He would always threaten disownment while I was growing up, yet I never realized this was all it took for him to act on his words. Like I said before,