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Tiana

TIANA

24 years on earth and I have no idea what I’m doing.

As a kid, I always looked at people in their 20s and thought “Yep, that’s for sure an adult and they know everything there is to know”.

Now, I look at myself and then look at those around me and can’t help but wonder if anyone else feels like they just have no fucking clue.

I’ve recently hit a point where things feel unimaginably exciting and equally terrifying.

The world is filled with so much opportunity, joy, love, and learning.

The world is also filled with so many choices, pain, suffering, and confusion.

I am now understanding how these two ends of a spectrum are deeply intertwined in that one cannot exist in the absence of the other. In writing this, there is a recognition that the pathway to connection and safety is, paradoxically, vulnerability and the fear that comes with that.

How often do people ask us how we’re doing and we have the conditioned, socially acceptable response?

I know that I tend not to answer that question honestly often for many reasons:

I am beginning to grasp the depth and beauty in relationships with others when there is honesty in response to someone’s curiosity about you. When I have been vulnerable with those in my life and admitted that I, in fact, am just trying to figure out who the hell I am and want to be, it has opened an incredible moment of connection – when you put your biggest fears and insecurities out into the space between you and another and they say “oh, yeah, me too”, a huge weight is lifted. “Wait a second – you also don’t know what you’re doing? I thought I was alone in this.”

I see people every day who seem to have it all figured out: who knows exactly what they want, who they are, how to cope, who to turn to, etc. when, in reality, I think they’re mostly full of it… and that’s okay!

In reality, I have only had 24 years on this earth to figure this whole thing out! I don’t know who tried to tell us that being in our 20s was supposed to be carefree and fun, but I think they were full of shit.

In reality, the suffering that comes with trying to shape yourself, form an identity, plan for your future, and form authentic relationships is a part of the process. In a way, the ability to engage in this process in its own right is pretty beautiful.

Right now, my story is that I am figuring out my story. Here is what I know for sure:

Discovering yoga at 14 years old saved me in some dark, dark moments and I feel so grateful to have discovered how beautiful being embodied can be.

 it can just be pretty fricking scary and uncomfortable.

Telling yourself that you’re isolated in your experience is only going to isolate you more and probably make you feel a hell of a lot worse. As scary as it can be to tell someone “You know, I’m actually kind of going through it right now”, you may be surprised by how deeply safe and loved you can feel once you open that door.

I hope my story made you feel less alone in your experience. I hope you know I’m routing for you.

Tiana’s journey of movement: @tibentleyy

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